In the classic comedy film, “Blazing Saddles”, the late Madeline Kahn played a character named Lili Von Shtupp. She was a “performer” in the old west who was also known to earn extra money the old fashioned way “in the oldest profession”. She was so good that she complained of “being tired….and of the coming and going, and going and coming…”. A light unforgettable portrayal of a “working girl” in the old west. Her lines and portrayal of being tired all the time came to mind recently when I was thinking how tired I am? Unlike Lili, I take stock of why and what I should or could do to change being tired and ultimately ending up refreshed?

I work at a job and in a profession that I know is not compatible with my heart, my passion and the higher sense of purpose in my soul. For the last 20 years I have done what I have to do until I can do what I want to do…..while I use my personal time continuing to construct the man I want to be when my opportunity or moment arrives. Believing that your dream or wishes will come true cost nothing. I think of my life somewhat like all of those ball players who mysteriously arrived from the corn field. More on this later. Good men who are divorced with 4 children have choices that are limited by their sense of responsibility and guilt. I ask for no pity or sympathy…I only state this to demonstrate my understanding of it and how I have adapted to it. I have not had 1 day of resenting anyone or anything for where I am or what my life is. Many divorced men do not make it to this state of self actualization. They often end up living angry resentful largely unfulfilled lives. If they are “tired” their fatigue is from carrying all that anger and resentment all the time. It took me awhile but learning to forgive, believe you are forgiven and most of all forgiving your self is the start of the path toward true happiness. I figured it out eventually but it took personal loss and tragedy to bring me to this understanding.

Back to the corn field. In the film “Field of Dreams” the main character, Ray, hears a voice, “If you build it he will come”. Then he has a vision of a ball field. He soon finds himself so obsessed that the only way to satisfy the obsession is to build the field….so he does. He does not fully understand any of it but gains a bit more wisdom. Soon, from the corn field out steps the late great scandal scarred, Shoeless Joe Jackson. Ray now believes that somehow this field is some kind of second chance at redemption for his father’s baseball hero, Shoeless Joe. As the story unfolds, more characters are revealed and all harbor a regret, unfulfilled dream or regret for a dream come true failed or lost. I am assume if you are reading this that you likely have seen the film and know how it ends. A simple beautiful and hope buoying ending that leaves us believing that we are all forgiven and that our dreams failed or unfulfilled will come true. Yes, I am tired. It is true that I do not like my job. It is true that I live with the regret of falling as a husband and at times coming up short as a father and a friend. The weight of discovering the right after committing wrongs, doing the right things and the regrets of all of it have worn me down. I am tired. So tired that at times I too have weakened enough to say what Ray said when he was not invited out in to the corn,…..”I have done everything I have been asked even when I did not understand it and not once did I ask, What’s in it for me?” I do not believe in fate or destiny but I do believe that we will end up where we have dreamed and that the journey can prepare us for that final reward or arrival. Believing is not knowing but I have made peace with not knowing. So yeah, I am tired but my belief, my sense of hope give me strength to continue with love, grace and humility. I may pass with the weight of regret and without having my dreams fulfilled but I believe with all my heart and soul that one day I will be the one emerging from the cornfield, in my prime and ready to play baseball on a clear blue eternal summer day at Busch Stadium II….playing with and against the heroes of my childhood. My reward for doing what needed to be done without anger or resentment.

Play ball!

Peace